I’m totally getting mugged LOL #callthepolice

Six ways to tell the world you’re somebody.

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Having decided to become a writer and get a book out there, it’s probably quite important for me to spread my social media wings and fly.

Great, this is going to be easy, a couple of well timed cheeky tweets and a thought provoking Instagram pic and I’ll be the centre of the digital playground. Wrong. So very wrong. I have managed to gain an extra 5 twitter followers in a week. Boom! Eat that Kanye, but as much as my five new shiny followers are probably the best people I’ve never met there is a large part of my brain that’s telling me that this is all just bollocks. Let’s have a look at the very basics…

Facebook. Great. I like Facebook, check on my little bro and watch cat videos.

Instagram. Good. I like photos, lots of lovely square photos.

Twitter. Okay. I like twitter, lots of influential people to connect with.

Pinterest. Yeah yeah. I like Pinterest, lots of interesting random finds.

Linked In. Really? I liked Linked In, lots of well, C’V’s and corporate mugshots.

Snapchat. Oh, fuck off. Erm, I mean,  I like Snapchat, lot’s of lovely teenage cock shots?

Six, repeat SIX. Streams of mindless drivel that I now have to not only engage with, but delight. That’s six separate log-ins, six sets of email updates, six sets of anxiety about how much attention my digital cheap lunch is getting. Frankly, it’s gone too far.

Anyone pursuing a career in the media will be well aware of this cyber dance, but the problem is that it’s all the same content, give or take a post or two. It’s a recycling of trends and marketing campaigns that have taken over our lives. We have to puke our everyday monotony into as any electrical devices as we can now, just to feel normal.

I’m aware that I’m writing a blog, I’m adding to the ever growing bucket of computer junk, but I think I have a good reason. I wrote a book and I’m trying to sell it. I need to engage with an audience and subtly court them into eventually buying the fucker.

As much as I do love it when I get a poem or an inspirational Jpeg popping up in what ever feed pings first, I don’t want to hear about how you hilariously, “Thought the light was on, but then when you came home it wasn’t, phew crisis averted #alwayshappenstome”. It’s just boring toss. It’s boring toss, I know it, you know it and everybody else knows it. Six ways to tell the world that you are someone. Six ways to let people know that you are glad that little Gerald is okay after he closed his eyes when he was tired. Six ways to let people see what you had for dinner, no one cares! Hang on, I’m actually really interested in dinner, but I’m half Chinese and my yellow half has been taking food pics since they invented digital cameras somewhere in the Ka-Ching dynasty.

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Rather than moan about the problem, I am going to offer a solution.

If you need to post something on Facebook, make it interesting, lie. For example.

“Totally robbed an Arab today in Harrods and spent all the money on cocaine and ended up marrying a horse”

If you need to post something on Twitter, make it sexy, lie. For example.

“Just shagged Ariana Grande in the Arsenal ground. #shejustwantedabiteofmyhalftimepie”

You know, that kind of thing.

I’m not trying to badmouth all the ways that we can communicate. Communication is the very best thing we can do. Once you stop talking, you fill up the silence with paranoia and uncertainty, but it doesn’t mean we have to just constantly talk shit.

If you feel an overwhelming desire to say something, if your passion for something is bursting so intensely that you have to scream it from the top of the world, then by all means, do it. I want to hear it, if it’s that important for to you share it with me, it would be an honour. If you have just had a baby, I understand it’s an adventure, new life, little footsteps, show the world. You had a really shit day, you got mugged, you feel lonely and scared, of course tweet about it, vent #justneedtogetitoutofmysystem, you’ll feel better. If you saw the most beautiful sunset or the most hilarious cat poo that looks like a statue of Ghandi for god sake, post it! I really want to see. But don’t and I repeat don’t feel like you need to post something. You are much more than your profile picture.

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#gangsignsoverbogroll

Don’t let the invisible claws of social networking force you into having an opinion.

It’s quite alright to NOT give a fuck about refugees, and it’s quite okay to feel shit and ugly and want to stay in bed and ignore everyone. You don’t have to tell the world you want to ignore everyone, just ignore them. If telling someone makes you feel better, thats good. Sharing is caring they say, but instead of instantly swiping or clicking or reposting or pasting, use the telephone you have in your pocket for what it was designed for. Talking. Bob Hoskins and all that shit.

 

 

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